A Reason to Live
by DillutionalInu
Summary: It was strangely fitting, this groteque gullet that surrounded him; for he knew, as he disappeared into the deep bowels of the world of the dead, it would be eternally. A reflection on Togoro as he faces Limbo. Plz read, review and ENJOY!


His eyes blinked rapidly behind his dark sunglasses, slowly taking in the reality that he was finally here. Though, he shouldn't be surprised. Wasn't this what he had been planning since he had met the young Yurameshi boy, to finally be able to embrace the end of his cursed existence; an end that he never thought would come?

Otto faced the gaping hallway that was the entrance to the Spirit World. It resembled a monstrous throat, swallowing him whole. It was strangely fitting, this grotesque gullet that surrounded him; for he knew, as he disappeared into the deep bowels of the world of the dead, it would be eternally. His heels clicked on the floor of the hallway, echoing off of the arched ceiling and bouncing back to his ears. He wondered if, somewhere in its never-ending void, this world harbored the pink haired woman that he had once called his own.

As he thought of Genkai a small trickle of pain dripped through his body. He had killed her in cold blood, simply to enrage Yusuke and grant his own desire for death. Since the Dark Tournament fifty years ago he had done nothing but hurt her because of his own guilt. Now that he was dead, and able to look back at his life with perfect vision, he could see the truth so clearly. Everything she had said to him before her death was true. She hadn't given up the chance to be great. No, he had given up that chance when he had asked to be a demon like Kairin; a being that he hated with every emotion that could possibly pour from his body. It wasn't her who had become a shell of what she once was. It was him who had nothing left, not his own skin, nor his own soul.

He gazed up to the gaping doorway to Koenma's office and the doors that would allow him into the place of his final judgment swung open, permitting him entrance into the oddly welcoming room. The toddler-like prince of Spirit World was almost hidden behind his tall, regal desk and he was staring at the much taller man with what could be called quiet intrigue.

"Time to find your place Toguro. I've arranged a thorough evaluation of the facts."

Togoro gazed confidently from behind his dark glasses. He already knew where he would be going. "I don't think that's necessary."

"Oh, no, no, no, quite to the contrary; in fact, yours is a very intricate case." The toddler flipped through the pages of Otto's files. It was slightly unnerving to him that the prince of spirit world had in his hands every detail of his life, every reason for his actions…..Every reason for his punishment.

It was a punishment that he rightfully deserved, whether Koenma believed it or not. He had become a monster, bloodthirsty and ravenous, who knew nothing but destruction. He deserved nothing less than the same cruel fate he had handed out to so many others. "I've already decided. I would like you to sentence me to Limbo."

"You're asking me to send you there? Do you even know what Limbo is?" The boy stood on his chair, shock radiating from his body.

He nodded with solemn acceptance. This was what he wanted, but more than that….It was what he deserved….It was justice.

"Obviously you don't." Koenma sat back down on his chair, glaring up at the taller man with complete disbelief. " Out of all the destinations of parted spirits it's by far the most horrific; absolute misery, every part of you sliced away besides your ability to experience pain; ten thousand years of wishing you would just cease to exist, and yet knowing that you won't."

"Good." He wanted everything that he had become to be stripped away. Physical pain would be nothing compared to the pain he felt now in this flesh that wasn't his….In this desire to kill that he chose over his humanity.

"I've weighed your demon crimes against your human achievements and considering that Sakyo's plan ended in part because of you, a slight punishment will be sufficient. Please! You do have time to reconsider this!" The prince was frantic now. Togoro watched as his pacifier hung loosly from his teeth threatening to fall as he screamed.

He stared at the prince with stoic confidence. This is what he wanted. "I've had far too much time. My choice is made."

Koenma let out a loud sigh of defeat. "Very well…I can't convince a man with a death wish. Ten thousand years in Limbo….God's speed." He lifted the stamp that would ultimately seal Togoro's fate. It amazed him that such a simple little device could so irreversibly condemn someone to hell or allow them into paradise. He thought of stopping the prince, only for a moment. This was his last chance to change his torturous fate, but he didn't. He clamped his lips shut. He would take the punishment that he deserved, and he wouldn't utter a word. "Take him away, Ogre."

As he walked out of the clean office of the spirit prince Genkai entered his thoughts again. She would be so angry with him if she only knew what he had just done. She always hated that he blamed himself, and really, he couldn't fault her that. It was because of his self-loathing that he had hurt her so many times. In attempting to punish himself, he had punished her ten-fold. If only he had seen that then, he would have never chosen this road, he would have never left her for the eternal youth of a demon existence. If only he had listened to her….

"_You where good in there, Genkai. Our teamwork is even more in tune now. It isn't going to take us much longer. Soon every fighter will know of our names."_ That day on the river so many years ago...she had been so wise, even without the experience of age on her back. She was not afraid of growing old, yet, there he had been, childishly hating his mortality.

"_And then what?" _

"_We go further_." For him there had been no end, no life, no death. He was convinced there had to be away to stay the most powerful. There had to, for if there wasn't, there was no reason to continue to live. _"You're a beautiful girl, Gekai."_

"_Thank you." Her gorgeous amber eyes closed in modesty, and he couldn't help but stare at her strong, slender frame. _ She was beautiful. He hadn't lied, but underneath that compliment was the unspoken fear that one day she would lose her beauty, her youth….and eventually her life. She would eventually be taken from him, either by a stronger foe, or by the cruel effects of age.

"_I can't help but think that our human lives are nothing but a cruel joke; here long enough just to know what we want. And then….it erodes…."_

He was jerked from his memories by the fiery gates of limbo looming in front of him. The smell of rotting flesh invaded his nose and the red of blood and fire pervaded the sky above the dismal gates. And in front of those gates stood a tiny silhouette that he knew so well.

"Don't tell me you're surprised. You knew I would choose to go this way." He spoke to the form of the woman that he loved, in the body that she had inhabited back when she had been his.

She stood upright, the fire of hell burning at her back. It had always amazed him that, though her tiny stature was nothing to be impressed with, she demanded attention. Even now, with the bright fires of limbo burning vehemently behind her, she made it the background. She demanded to be the forefront.

Her amber eyes opened slowly, and he couldn't help but to gaze into the sorrowful depths of those eyes. "You're right. I did know. After that day on the river I knew how everything would end, and yet I couldn't stop it." She leaned down and picked up a rock that laid on the pathway to hell. "You're a hopeless dimwit. You realize that." He almost smiled at the fond insult that she always used to refer to when she spoke to him.

He could only nod at her interrogation of him, telling her that he knew. He had known for a long time. Maybe he wouldn't be where he was now had he listened to her from the beginning.

"You just love to wallow in your own ridiculous suffering. Kairin killed those kids. Not you. Don't you think you've blamed yourself enough for not being perfect?" Her eyes locked with his, refusing to let go. The sorrow that pervaded them disappeared and was replaced by a deep anger. "Don't you think you've blamed me enough too?"

It had been a long time since he had seen her lose herself in her frustration, but now it was obvious that she was. Her fists clenched so hard that the rock she had picked up shattered into two. It resembled how he was sure her heart looked now. Shattered, ripped into two ragged pieces of flesh…And he had done that to her. The knowledge that he had done that to the woman he once loved, hurt more than any pain he had ever endured.

She gazed up at him, trying to stifle her anger, trying to understand. "You trapped yourself in a body you hated, hiding in the pain, and now you want to torture yourself again for eternity. Why? Haven't we both paid enough?" Her eyes pleaded with him, begging in a way that he knew her voice never would.

"You're wrong. All that business delighted me: murdering Kairin, knowing that I was the most powerful. It was through my fear of Kairin that I pushed forward to meet my ultimate potential. I understood my power and was freed from human baggage, and in the larger scheme I knew the part I had to play. I'm actually grateful for what Kairin did." 

"Liar!" She screamed at him, shattering the once quiet world of the dead with her voice. He should have known better than to try to hide his pain from her. She could see the pain in his eyes, she was the only one who could see the invisible teardrops that fell from his soul.

His eyes softened toward her. He wanted to comfort her, it was the least he could do for all the pain he had caused her over the past fifty years. "Don't mourn me Genkai. Like you said, this was the way I wanted it to end." He wanted her to go on with her life, to start new without him. She, unlike him, still had so much to live for. " Don't stay here trying to figure me out. You have a job to do. You're apprentice Yurameshi, he could still be stronger, but he could go the wrong way too, like me. Maybe he'll actually listen to you, the way I could not."

He only wished he could have listened to her. He wished he could've seen that day on the river that being strong wasn't the only reason to live. He could have found another reason to live….SHE could have been his reason. He could have lost his pain in her, instead of in a demon body that really, only hurt him, and broke her heart in two. If only he could have seen that then, instead of trying to run from his mortality and his pain.

Her eyes softened and her body relaxed. Though neither of them would ever say it, they would always love one another. "Don't ever feel regret for the things between us."

He removed his glasses, to see her one last time. He had always believed that the eyes where the windows to the soul. His soul had been tainted by the choices that he had made and the lives he had ended. But, for the first time since he had decided to become a demon, he wanted to truly see her like he used to, he wanted to remember the reason why he loved her so much. And he wanted her to see into his eyes, to see that his tortured soul was finally at peace as he faced the punishment he so rightly deserved.

"No Genkai, but it would have been a beautiful life."


End file.
